I felt like the biggest failure as a mother. Today was one of those days where the wheels fell off, rolled off a cliff and burst into flames.
Rainy days are pretty much a Gaurenteed kick in the nuts in this house . The kids get amped up and are trapped inside since where we live there’s pretty much zero options for other forms of entertainment , so they occupy themselves by trying to create their own form of MMA and see how long it takes for me to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.
When the 5 year old & 8 year old morph into demon spawn we start with the traditional consequences of being sent to their rooms , having privileges taken away and I’ve gone so far as to empty their closets and pack up their toys. Every single one of them .
Nothing works. Not today .
My husband is a paramedic for a city that is 2 hours away and was on his 24 hour shift so I was stuck with these demon seeds alone .
Their car behavior is particularly revolting , the bickering , kicking , punching , antagonizing . Today I pulled over about 3 – 4 times in order to address their behaviors .
In the dentists office I had a full blown anxiety attack complete with crushing chest pain that felt like a genuine heart attack . If I ever have a real one I’m screwed because I won’t know the difference .
I’m pretty sure I yelled at them for 3/4 of the day because as soon as they earned back a privilege they’d turn around and act like a turd again .
I felt like a complete failure . I don’t feel like the mother I wanted to be – the one I’d hope to be long before I had kids.
I had this grand plan about perfectly structured days that lent to un disturbed schedules , perfectly sleeping and well behaved children.
Then real life happens.
We end up flying by the seat of our pants most of the time , sometimes due to our jobs and sometimes due to our own ADHD ( both my husband & I have it ) . All that pomp and circumstance about regularly scheduled play groups , naps, and well behaved children flies right out the door .
Some days you trudge on because you are legally obligated to . Sometimes you carry on because you actually enjoy it. Sometimes who the hell knows.
There is no perfect way , everyone has times where they questioned why they became parents and everyone’s kid acts like a complete butthole. It happens.
Today was the worst , they were the worst and I definitely was the worst . It was one big collective fail. But tonight at bedtime they asked to be tucked in , gave me a kiss, snuggled my face and told me they loved me.
I guess sometimes there’s a win at the end of a fail.