Over the past few weeks I’ve been working on cognitive behavior therapy for reprogramming the dysfunction that had been running rampant in my brain my entire life. Specifically I find myself getting stuck in a trap I set myself with the preoccupation of doing things ‘right’ in order to meet a set of extraneous imagined goals, as if in order to be considered successful I needed to achieve a certain set of requirements in a specific time frame. Different strokes for different folks, everyone does things in their own way at their own pace and by imposing unrealistic demands on myself I was setting myself up for failure, followed by self defeating thoughts and behavior that prevented me from moving forward. My enormous anxiety was fueled by my fear of not having control and allowing myself to become overwhelmed, even in situations that were either not my place to try and manage or not meant to be in the first place. The third BIG issue for me is time management, which is an ADHD thing that also contributes to my anxiety and lack of being productive.
Previously I had bought a calendar/agenda to physically write appointments, bills and reminders in because that is the only way for me to remember anything, as well as set alarm reminders in my phone. In theory that’s a great idea but only if you actually use it correctly. Half the time I’d forget the agenda at home, or only write in the agenda and not put it in my phone or vice versa and the alarm would get ignored . So essentially I created more work for myself in order to make forgetting things as complicated as humanly possible. That’s a genetic trait in my family, making things impossibly complicated and bass akwards , true story.The chaotic daily hot mess I carried was making my anxiety and stress way worse than it needed to be , and it was stressful for everyone around me including my kids. It’s not their job to carry my mess, so I’m working on getting my act together so I’m not a constant stress tornado and mommy can actually have fun.
A big step in the right direction is finding our own space, it looks like we are finally in the go for renting a fantastic place in a great neighborhood thanks to some very good friends of ours. Having our own space to function in a way that works for us instead of working around someone else’s chaos will be a god send, we are so excited and it feels like time is standing still but I know that things will work out the way they need to so I’m trying to stay focused on getting things together for moving and budgeting. Ya know, super fun grown up stuff no one told you about in school. I find it’s difficult to ‘run a household’ when it’s not your own house and trying to fit everything under someone else’s expectations which aren’t necessarily similar to your own and you fall into ‘just getting by’ instead of moving on. At least that’s how it felt for me. Now that we’ve managed to save some money and pay off a big chunk of debt we can finally get into a place of our own, we are eternally grateful to my family but everyone needs a place of their own to maintain happy and healthy relationships.
I had been getting a lot of pressure to wait and save more money in order to have the $15,000 – $20,000 required to secure a mortgage to own a home, but I don’t feel that this is a realistic option for us because that would be our entire savings and if something happens (as it always does) we would have nothing to fallback on . When we visited the bank to see how we’d fare on a mortgage application we found that we drew the short end of the stick. My credit was super awesome (above 750) and my husbands not so much, mostly due to a GAP insurance problem when he totaled his car last year and an ongoing address issue with a credit card. So naturally the approval hangs on to the lowest credit score, which makes zero sense to me, so be for warned. We ‘make too much money’ by $10,000 a year to qualify for any of the programs right now, except the one requiring the huge down payment (who has that kind of money???) and neither one of us were in the service so no VA loan for us. I almost feel like the banks don’t want you to own a home.
Honestly almost every single person I’ve talked to said if they could do it over again they would never have bought a home and stayed renting. The costs of owning a home and maintaining it are enormous, and also fall entirely on you if you own it. Also, in the far off future when my husband and I are no longer here , the responsibility of the home would fall onto our children, which my parents are dealing with now with my grandfathers estate. I don’t want to pass that enormous stress on to them. At this rate if we were to get a mortgage, and not refinance it, we wouldn’t own it until well past 60 years old. I’ve never met anyone who straight out owns their home, my parents are nowhere near owning their home. When someone says ‘ when you rent you’re just dumping money into something you’ll never own’, to me that’s not a whole lot different then when you pay a mortgage on a house you’ll never own because you owe too much on it. The renting costs more than owning in the long run depends on where you live and where we are now it about evens out. Maybe I’m looking at home ownership the wrong way, but to me it’s not something terribly appealing.