Clarity

Avoidance = Entrapment

Avoidance = Entrapment

I reached a level of emotional implosion last week after six months of shitty things happening, I felt all the feelers to the point that all the internal chaos in my head just stopped, and I picked up the emotional pile of crap and dropped in on the floor and stared at it. I had been feeling like a complete spaz for a long time, like I was chasing something and kept coming up short and ended up exhausted and unfufilled. I’d start projects, get amped up, tell everyone about these amazing ideas and then lose interest after I failed to follow through on a plan I never made. Then I’d get mad at myself because I did it, yet again, and felt like it made me look stupid. I felt like anytime I’d get super excited and shared my ideas or intentions with people they’d think “yeah, okay, sure you will”. Not that my ideas weren’t amazeballs, but I would get overwhelmed , wouldn’t follow through and move on. I’d jump from project to project , I even opened an ETSY store, but never kept it up. I even put shelving in my closet especially for my ETSY store and bought shipping materials including a digital scale. I haven’t made anything for my store in four months and I get frustrated with myself. All these projects were ones that I knew weren’t terribly challenging for me and would guarantee a pat on the back or some form of immediate gratification. These things that kept me in a constant state of motion were a distraction that kept me from being productive and only guaranteed chaos. I didn’t realize until now, that these unhealthy behaviors, thoughts and feelings that were overwhelming me internally were spilling over externally into my life. I never felt organized even though I’m OBSESSED with organization, clutter follows me even though I LOATHE clutter and it stresses me out. I could never be present in he moment because I was constantly thinking about all the other things I should be doing.

 

When I had my hysterectomy I realized that I had wrapped up a lot of my identity in my ability to have children, like the ADHD meds I’ve been on for years, knowing that I had the ability to make people if I wanted was a crutch because it wasn’t something I had to actively work at , it was just there. When I realized that one of my crutches was going to be physically, permanently, removed forever, I freaked out. WHO AM I. I realized I was stuffing away unpleasant feelings and deliberately distracting my self so I did not have to deal with them. My refusal to deal with feelings trapped me in this constant never ending cycle of internal chaos that eventually broke through into my external life. I did not like the fact I felt out of control because I was always rushing, always late and always exhausted. I wasn’t able to live in the now. I hadn’t consciously been present with my grandfather when he was alive , I would sit there and put up a facade so I could tolerate being around someone I loved so much who was activly dying. I put up an emotional barrier so I wouldn’t feel the pain at the time , which now that he is gone is so much more painful and I am so angry with myself for pushing him away and not being with him like I should have.

 

I brought my son up to the National Cemetary , he remembers his great grampa and loved him very much and has asked for him every day since he passed away March 1st. My son grieves the way I do not allow myself to grieve. I hate to see him cry and I comfort him and I tell him that I am sorry his heart hurts. I told him it wasn’t goodbye is ‘see you later’. Beyond that I’m not sure how to help him through the grieving process, I know that we should find a way to turn the grief into something constructive, some way to make something thats not tangible into a physical tangible expression of how the loss feels, but I don’t know how. I had been waiting for Grampa to drop us little hints, seeing a chickadee would’ve mean something to me since he always referred to me as that or ‘Birdie’ as my Uncle (who also passed this year) called me, and I remember always seeing them out the kitchen sink window as a kid at his house. I knew eventually it would happen, but I didn’t know if it would be something that my kids would be able to understand and connect with.

 

During various posting extravaganza’s I’ve always pointed out that ‘Life is a Gift’, I had always referred to it after sharing my various accounts with my health struggles and various near death experiences. When I entered the National Cemetery and located the plot right away I found that to be special in and of itself. If anyone has every been in one of those Cemeteries you know it’s like a labrynth and the maps on the website are super hard to read sometimes, and my map reading skills are less than good. You’d be better off handing the map to my 4 year old, my nick name use to be ‘blondestar’ {instead of onstar} because I would get lost so easily. At first I had a little trouble finding his plaque and accidentally found a family friend’s mother’s plaque {she passed recently} and that was a little odd for me, in such a large place I would find hers. A lot of the plaques had little quotes or sayings but I expected his to be blank because he wasn’t particularly sentimental. Then I saw it and it took my breath away.

 

This is when the breaks were put on the internal chaos

 

The saying that life is a gift had just recently been coming to me when I was posting, and it was one of those things that I added because at the time it was a literal analogy, life is literally a gift to me because I’m not even suppose to be here with all my medical battles. I had no emotional attachment to the phrase, when it came to physical pain I’m on boss mode, but with emotional pain I’m completely and totally confused, its super unpleasant and I stuff it away and pretend it doesn’t exists. Up until the moment I found my grampa’s plaque at the cemetery I always felt like there was an internal force driving me, this deep need to continuously chase something. I didn’t know what it was I was supposed to be chasing, I would miss out on experiencing things as they were happening in the moment and end up frustrated and angry with myself. What I needed was my grampa to show me that I needed to stop the internal chaos so I could dig up the inner strength that has been there the whole time and allow me to love myself as much as he loved me. I had been a spectator in life, allowing everyone else around me to experience happiness because I was too busy looking for the obvious answer.

 

The gifts in life are the ones that aren’t on your planner, they aren’t the one’s you earned your degree for, they are the ones that allow you to grow as a person and help you find strength that you didn’t know was there. Sometimes those gifts are the ones that cause so much pain and stress that you feel like you don’t have any feeling left. It is then you gain the clarity needed to pick up the clues that had been in front of you the whole time. When you silence the internal noise of self criticism, superficial worries and perceived expectations you are able to realize the inherent dysfunction that has been keeping you from moving forward. All the medication and therapy in the world can’t fix that until you start changing from with in. I’ve started reading on how to reprogram these dysfunctional behaviors and how to consciously work on healthier behavioral patterns.

 

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I’ve started with this book which has been amazing, and everything I’ve read so far makes so much sense. I wrote a ridiculous amount of stuff, just to write and get it out. I found a pattern of trying to fit in and never feeling like I belonged, I didn’t know who I was because I was waiting for acceptance to give me permission to build my passion, to allow me to be me. Now I realize that’s backwards. As children we conform ourselves to our group of friends, most of the time we ignore what makes us authentic because we are not only afraid of criticism and judgment but we are not sure what it is we are to do with our passion. We look for someone or something else to guide us to what we perceive is the ‘right’ path. We take specific classes , and get a specific grade to get into the ‘right’ school and earn the ‘right’ degree.  That didn’t work out so well for me because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be because I was always chasing someone else’s dream. Any mention of ‘you can’t make a living doing that’ or ‘that’s a waste of a degree’ made me default to the next realistically obtainable goal. The negativity I heard I now realize came from people who did not understand that if you are passionate enough about something you are inherently committed to it by the internal drive that will make it work no matter what. People say those things because they have this preconceived idea of what a ‘comfortable’ life is and that there’s some magical salary attached to it. You can have all the degrees you want with a great house and job, new car, but if you feel the emptiness of being unfulfilled how comfortable is your life really?

 

I know what I love , anything that promotes self expression through music and art, and I like helping people and making them happy. I’m not sure how to put those two together, and I’m fighting my inherent bad habit of trying to know everything on how to get it immediately because that’s how I sabotage myself. I always try to dive head first, overwhelm myself with too much information at one time , get frustrated, embarrassed and give up. It’s going to be a long and painful process but I need to do this for me and my family. Grampa is right, life is a gift, I just received a gift of clarity and being committed to being genuinely happy.

 

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