Return To Sender


Less than 48 hours until my uterus gets returned to sender for defective equipment . I’ve been rummaging through the inner sanctum of my feelers and dusted off these things called ” feelings” . spoiler they’re confusing , massively uncomfortable and exhausting . Kind of like what happens when I binge out of the vending machine but minus the bloating and self hate. Anyways , so far I’ve managed to get over not having another newborn , I’ve held several infants and not had the butterflies fluttering around my heart . Babies are cute , I’ll be happy to hold one , care for one , annnnnnd give it back to it’s parents at the end of the day . I’m totally okay with that . My kids have been self sufficient for quite awhile and not been nazi sleep terrorists long enough that I can feel comfortable taking a sleep aide {see: night cap} and not worry about sleeping through something important . Like a baby cry.

My next step in being okay with no more infants : babies require a lot of crap . I carry a spare change of clothes in my car and a first aid kit in my car *just in case* . Infants ? You need half your nursery with you at all times *just in case*. Bottles , formula , clothes , diapers , wipes , a small llama . It never ends , and I’m too tired to carry all that crap around . I can’t even get a bell hop for my own stuff never mind trailing newborn necessities .


My kids are now at the age of finally being able to do cool stuff , like wiping their own @$$ for example . They can get their own snacks , change their own outfits and do about 30% of what I ask . We’re going on our first ever legit family vacation to Bermuda in the fall . Can’t do that with a baby in tow.

The thing I’m now struggling with is not being able to experience pregnancy again . You see I’m one of those sick freaks that actually enjoys being pregnant . I was very fortunate that becoming pregnant was easy for me and both pregnancies were awesome for me . I considered being pregnant my superpower , the one thing in life I was good at . Now my superpower is going to be surgically removed Tuesday morning . Not that my entire identity is wrapped up in my uterus but I feel like I’m going to have to realign how I value myself . I think it’s one of those things where you don’t realize how you feel about something until it’s no longer an option

However , the one thing that keeps me slipping from the edge of despair is knowing that I’m making the best choice for not only me but for my family . I hadn’t realized how much all these issues had been affecting me . It’s hard to be a good mom and wife when you barely get out of bed bc you feel like death warmed over all the time . And now that I have the diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome , I can’t in good conscious have another child knowing there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll be passed on . I’m not passing judgement on those who chose to have kids regardless , just for me , with my personal experiences – I feel like it would be like playing ding dong ditch , leaving the poor bastard answering the door to stomp out a flaming bag of dog shit . Quite frankly life has handed me flaming piles of shit pretty consistently through out my entire life . However I’m not bitter . It’s made me into a problem solver with a streak of obstinance that is rock solid . I’m going to enjoy my family and do things on my terms , it may not happened they way I planned but plans are for suckers anyways.

– Birdie



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