Dear God, it’s me – Robin Margaret, I’d like an explanation and a refund for defective equipment. As I was huddled under my heated blanket for what feels like my encore presentation of ‘Groundhog Day’ with the debilitating exhaustion, abdominal pressure and pain, I wondered about why the perils of womanhood were not disclosed to us earlier. No after school specials, no shiny pamphlets at the doctors office, no Judy Blume novels. Nothing. There was the general knowledge that owning girl parts was high maintenance and came with a lot of responsibilities : periods (suck), pms (sucks), don’t get pregnant (sucks), don’t get an STD (REALLY sucks) and by the way – have fun getting that waxed. WTF. Dude’s party train is maintenance free and conception for them means 7 seconds of work. Congratulations. Vengeance lays with in the proctologist appointment my friends …. mwahahahaha
Facing a hysterectomy that initially was not planned for until years down the line unearthed two reactions from me : 1) I felt like my heart was physically breaking and I sobbed. For days and still do intermittently. I am mourning the loss of the third child I had really wanted and we had planned for. I had names picked out, I even planned the very cheesy was I would announce the pregnancy. I also at the same time feel like a deuce because I am incredibly grateful for the two little clones we do have, and while they do test the outer limits of our sanity on a daily basis , they are healthy and happy. I know that there’s women who would give anything for that. I think that it’s losing my ‘womanhood’, shutting down the baby factory on terms that were not my own. I was good at the whole pregnancy thing, I defied my endometriosis – getting pregnant after being told I would not be able to. I had great, healthy and happy pregnancies. I even had a VBAC with my daughter because I vowed never to be made to feel like I did with my C Section. It was awesome. I pushed a baby out of my vagina – I CAN DO M-FING ANYTHING!!!!!
Except math. F*ck math.
2)After allowing logic to take control (almost never happens) and allow myself to accept that removing this evil parasitic uterus of doom is the best choice for my family and I, the weirdest thing happened. I was feeling bits and pieces of my old self shine through. I had not realized how much all these gyn problems were literally sucking the life out of me. Floating along and merely existing is not a life. You need to LIVE your life, be an active participant. Once I started processing what was going to happen and why, I felt a focus and determination overtake that had died out a long time ago. The hope of having another child combined with my innate stubbornness made be complacent to the unhealthy changes that were happening mentally, physically and emotionally. My anxiety and depression had replaced what personality had been there, using all my energy up making people think I was happy and in doing so I lost my focus and drive.
While my heart still hurts from letting go of the prospect of a baby in our future, more importantly, I am looking forward to actually taking care of me for once. I had forgotten what it was like to be me, I had forgotten what it was like being an awesome wife and mom. There comes a point in your life where you can either sink or swim, are you going to be a miserable sad sack , wallow in your misery and throw your self a pity party? Because no one goes to those anymore – trust me. You are only as alone as you allow your self to be. I’m on the wrong side of thirty and have allowed myself to suffer for far to long, my husband deserves his wife back, my kids need their mom and most of all I deserve to be happy.
This what my insides feel like